Hockey Wrapup

Okay, time to clear the decks a bit. Let's start with hockey.

Hoo boy did I miss the boat on the Loaf's season. I seem to recall opining that they'd be in tough to make the playoffs, but there was no particular reason they couldn't do it. Hmm, 29th place in a 30 team league. Yeah, that crow I had for dinner in March was simply delicious.

Okay, I was way wrong on the result, but I stand by my analysis. There was no reason that the Leafs, as they were constituted in the pre season, shouldn't have been at least contending for a playoff spot, leastwise on paper. There was something poisonous in that dressing room. Dunno what it was, but, considering the talent that was there, and the additions Burke made, they really ought not to have been a 29th place team. I guess that's why we have the play games, to determine such things.

Oh, and to all the people castigating Burke for selling the farm for Phil Kessel. His analysis was probably not that different from mine. The team should not have placed 29th, so he should not have been giving up a franchise player in the draft. So, when he says, he'd do the trade over again he's not being an idiot, he's simply admitting that with the information he had at the time, it was a decent trade. Unless, of course, he's saying that he considers Kessel to be a franchise player, in which case he really is a fucking idiot.

Onward.

So, the Blackhawks have ended their 49 year cup drought, leaving the Leafs as the team with the longest running drought. Think they'll win it before 2016? Or are they going to enter Rangers territory for time between cups. If I were a betting man, I'd say, watch out Rangers, your 54 year record of futility is officially under challenge.

Anyway, on to the cup. A friend lives in very much not a hockey hotbed, and has a friend who's a Flyers fan. I wrote to him that, while knowing a Flyers fan would suck, hey, look on the bright side, they lost.

Yes, Mary Ann "the passenger" Hossa finally found a team with the talent and drive to carry his useless, moody, over paid, talented yet under performing, eye-hacking ass to a Stanley Cup parade. Only took 4 teams and 3 finals to do it. An what a tribute it is to Toews. Crosby couldn't get Hossa a cup. The freaking Stockholm Red Wings couldn't get him a cup, but Toews, Kane, et all could.

Y'know, ol' fulminandrew must confess, it got really fucking tiring hearing the commentary during these playoffs. Hossa this, Hossa that and Hossa the other. He must have been really valuable, right? Like the fucking MVP, right? No, wait, that was Toews. So he must have won the playoff scoring race then. No, that was Briere (followed by Toews, who saw the best defense and checkers every shift). Okay, then, he must have scored the cup winner, at least. No, that was Kane. Hmm, tell me again why Mr. October is worth 50 million dollars? Oh, got it, the other team is afraid for their vision.

And speaking of obnoxious fans. Yes, Flyers fans are assholes, but they don't have a patch on Montreal fans. Would I like to see the cup come back to Canada? Hell yeah. Would I cheer for that city to be Montreal? Hell no, and not because I'm a Leafs fan. Because I can't fucking stand Montreal fans. Consider the team without Patrick Roy in 86 and 93. Do they win the cup? 86 possibly, but unlikely, 93, not only no, but HELL NO. So, really, since the team fired Bowman back in, what, 1980, it's been as poorly run a piece of shit as the Leafs. Just try to get a Montreal fan to admit it.

Yeah, but they had Roy in 86 and 93, and won the cup. Won the cup, yes, but not because of the brilliance with which the team was run. Hell, look at this year's team. Was that a final 4 team? Don't think so, that was a final 4 goaltending performance. But that's okay, Montreal, you keep signing 2nd line players for 1st line money, and while you're at it, sign Halak to a monster deal. Maybe he is the next Roy/Brodeur. And maybe he will single handedly win you another cup.

Read in the Sun today that now is Gary the weasel's chance to do hockey some good. Ride the momentum of the highest rated final in years to expand hockey. Quick, seize the opportunity to get franchises in Winnipeg, Quebec and Southern Ontario.

Dude, what the fuck are you smoking? Bettman is going to ride his "hockey in the sun belt" hobby horse until either (1) the governors come to their senses and fire the schmuck, or (2) the league goes bankrupt. Seriously, in the 90's the man couldn't get hockey out of Canada fast enough, and still wants to move to Kansas and Vegas. NHL hockey back to Canada? Bettman ain't gonna do it. This would be the man who talked the league into buying the Coyotes to keep them in the desert (where they lost another 20 mil this year). Back to the 'Peg? Please.

Enough. Serious crapola to follow.

And maybe more hot Asian chicks.

We're Number 29, We're Number 29...

Yes, dear reader, the Maple Pucks managed to squeeze out a win against the Islanders. Woo hoo, they've managed to scrape and claw their way to within one point of 28th place. Yes, after their vaunted points in, what, 8 of the last 10 games they've moved up from a tenuous hold on 29th to having an absolute LOCK on 29th place. Yay.

One point to a three way tie for 26th, 2 points to a 5 way tie for 21st and, god help me, only 5 points out of a playoff spot. Seriously? 3 more wins and they could (theoretically, if not practically) be sitting in a playoff position. Be still my heart.

But, on the off chance a Leaf fan is reading this, let's keep it real. I wrote that they'd have a decent shot at the playoffs this year, although would not be a shoo in, and an early exit. Hey, all I want is for Boston's first round "Kessel" pick not be in the top 5. It's not that I have anything in particular against Boston, it's not even that I have anything in particular against Boston fans. Hell, it's not that I have anything in particular against the die hard Maple Puck heads (dumb though they are). It's just that I can't stand the die hard Leaf haters. I. Just. Can't. Fucking. Stand. Them.

Look, assholes, we all know the Leafs suck. We all know the organization will turn a profit no matter what. And we all know the reasons for it (which I will not go into here). We also know you hate the Leafs, and no, excepting the real morons, we are not planning the parade route. So shut the fuck up already. They're playing reasonably well, they're entertaining to watch, and they generally aren't stinking up the joint. So, seriously, shut the fuck up and let us enjoy the game.

What to Write About? Don't Worry, There Will be Beautiful Asian Women in Bikinis, and Heavy Metal

Well, the fulminatin' one has been on hiatus for a bit. No particular reason for it, and certainly no lack of material or inspiration. I've just been too bloody lazy to log on and post something. So, let's take a shotgun approach to the last couple of weeks.

Family...You might think that having 5 couples, with 8 children under six, in our small abode for 5 hours would be rough on a man whose sufferance of fools is perhaps a touch lacking. Yes, you might think that, but last week, under those conditions, I had a blast. Damn, but I love kids. Whether they're little wiggly blobs whose eyes barely focus, or six year olds kicking my ass at Wii golf, if they've got good parents (and all the kids in question do) they are a joy.

Okay, I've got the sappy shit out of the way now.

So, in order to prepare for the above mentioned gathering, Mrs. Fulminandrew and I had to clean up the pigsty in which we live. It's amazing how quickly one 2 year old can turn an otherwise tidy abode into a disaster area, but The Boy manages. And to keep his curious little paws off of things, stuff just gets shoved into places he can't access, like my study. 8 bleeding hours or more to clean it out enough for company. And that's aside from the rest of the joint. Part of the reason for the hiatus was simply tidying up.

The Mrs. asked me, "Should we entertain more, or not at all?" Now, being the antisocial bastard you may have figgered me to be, and considering the work necessary to get the place ready for company, you might expect my answer was "Not at all." Quite the contrary. I'm not really antisocial, I'm anti-idiot. My wife has excellent taste in friends (her taste in sisters, and husbands, might be a bit suspect), not a jackass among them, so I had a grand time. So, entertain more, to force us to (a) keep the place tidier and (b) throw out shit that dearly needs throwing out.

Okay, enough with the personal...Hockey.

Well, Leafs nation, the suckage quotient of the boys in blue and white is slightly less these days. Yes, they got creamed by Boston last night, but Boston is a real team, not an AHL team with delusions. And, yes, they got embarassed by Buffalo, but I believe it's in the Maple Leafs charter that they have to suck against the Sabres. Dunno why, but there you go. Outside of that, they've managed to get within 7 (seven!!!) points of a playoff spot. They even "won" a shootout (and isn't that a dumb fucking way to end a team game?) for a change. They'll still be in tough to make the playoffs, but I posted on that earlier. Anyway, they've been generally more entertaining (and in a positive way).

Now on to the meaty stuff...Boy are Canadians a pack of dumb fucks.

So, Dalton McFerretFace is out to jack up our taxes to the tune of better than $1000 per family, per year. He's gonna do this while sticking his greasy, corrupt fingers in his ears shouting "Lalalalala I can't hear anybody objecting to the HST." He's gonna do this while offering a one time bribe of $1000 dollars of our own money to swallow it. And he's gonna do this all the while telling us how increasing taxes is going to help us economically. I know the guy's a complete fucktard, but, does everyone else have to be?

Let us think about this. First, everything that has GST will now have PST. That's where the extra $1000 per comes in. That's money out of your pocket and into the coffers at Queen's park. You know, the place that just magically made 25 BILLION dollars disappear. While finding 2.5 billion dollars to gift to the teacher's unions (more on that later). Now, money out of your pocket to be invested pissed away by the govt equals slower economic growth. Why? Because govt is incompetent, and Liberal government is fucking incompetent.

Oh, and Mr. Harper, I know you've been on about harmonizing the sales taxes since before you were elected. And I know, in theory, it's actually a good idea. But the timing here sucks, and the GST is too broadly based. If we add 8% to everything not covered by the GST, the Ontario economy is going straight down the shitter. And, I know you're from west (at least of late) but Ontario is still the 800 pound gorilla in the Canadian economy. Narrow the base of the GST (bad), or tell that shit for brains in Queen's Park to lower the provincial chunk to 6 - 7% (g00d).

Now, let us throw into the mix the national campaign to stop the new TV tax of "up to $10 a month." Ooh, yeah, let's fight a $100 tax, while meekly bending over to take a $1000 tax, good and hard. Especially a $100 tax that you don't have to pay. I won't be paying it. Guess why not. That's right, I don't have fucking cable. You think I want to drop 40, 50 bucks a month or more on the brain rotting shite on TV? Anyone who doesn't want to pay the tax, cancel your cable, or satellite. Presto, no tax. Now, how are you going to do this with McShithead's HST? (crickets chirp)

Wake the fuck up, people, TV is not a necessity. Heating oil and electricity are.

Health care.

So, the cocksmoker that McFuck-off-and-die-Cambridge-residents sent to fuck up their hospital even more has determined that the way to balance the %28 under funded budget is to...cut services. Good thing we have Liberals in charge of our health care, 'cause, you know, those damned conservatives cut health care to the bone and the Liberals, well, they would never make health care cuts, right? (there go those fucking crickets again)

Oh, and on the topic of the Harris Tories' health care cuts. The following graph is from the Ontario 2000 budget.


Do you see a cut to health care spending there? Anyone? The next time some Liberal cocksmoker whinges on about the Tories cutting health care, well, now you know the truth. For more on that graph, go here.

Have I fulminated enough? For now, perhaps.

On the plus side, I shall leave you with Arisa Oda...





And a classic from the Oz man.

Woo Hoo, Number 29

Well the stinking Leafs finally decided to win a winnable game. They managed to, barely, put down the slumping Hurricanes.

Of course, they spotted them a two goal lead, and didn't manage to seal the deal until 11:36 of the third, and they tried to piss it away with a penalty in the last minute, but, hey, they did post a win. In regulation. And now they OWN 29th spot.

Next up, the Stockholm Dirty Wings. Yeah, they'll lose this one, big.

God these guys suck. Not looking forward to my plate of crow come April.

Update:

5 - 1 over the Wings? Well done boys. Tied for 28th. Woo hoo. Another win and, if all breaks just right, youll be in a 3 way tie for 24th.

I repeat, inspite of their 2 game "winning streak," and, in spite of beating the Dirtroit Dirty Wings, God these guys suck.

Heavy Metal Monday, Maple Leafs Finally Win One Edition

Well, the tag is gonna have to be Maple Leafs suck because, well, they do. But at least they finally won a game.

Actually, I watched the third period of Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday and a few thoughts struck me.

First, the Leafs, although they suck, and can't score a goal to save their lives win a game, at least seemed interested in beating Vancouver. Incapable, as it happens, but at least interested.

Second, amongst my old fogies team, and my old guys shinny groups, the consensus seems to be that one of the reasons the Leafs are going nowhere is that Wilson refuses to name a captain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, not enough talent, no leaders, blah, blah, blah. First off, talent schmalent, where is it written that your best player needs must be the captain? How many times has a remarkable talent been given the "C," only to crash and burn (Vincent LeCavalier anyone)? And no leaders? Well, give someone the "C," and he either grows into it, or you give it to someone else. Won't necessarily ruin him (Vincent LeCavalier anyone) and it will address an aching need.

Anyway, Thursday I got to thinking that maybe Ian White is that guy. He's popular in the dressing room (nominated for the Masterton trophy for perserverance and dedication to hockey), done everything the team asked of him, including sucking up 11 games in the press box whilst "better" prospects got their look, then played back into the lineup as a winger, and has emerged second to Kaberle in ice time, all the while being a plus on this team of minuses.

So, Ronnie boy, howzabout it, Ian White for captain?

Third, whilst watching the game, streamed over cbc.ca, I note that the CBC has upped its streaming bandwidth. Good. I really don't want to pay for cable to watch these palookas.

Fourth, it would surely suck to be a non-French speaking Montreal fan. After the Leafs' game, the broadcast switched over to the Montreal game, and who was doing the play by play? Bob "adenoids," "call the score and the time, not the play," "senile, yet stupid," "god why won't they retire this guy," "somewhere there's a village missing an idiot" Cole. That's how low you rate, Anglo Montreal fans. Bob Cole is too useless for the LEAFS, so the CB frickin' C sticks you with him. To quote that great moral philosopher, Nelson Muntz, "Hah, hah."

Fifth, I have no idea, thematically, what to use for this belated Heavy Metal Monday.

Howzabout one of the classics? Since you gotta be crazy to be a Leafs fan, let us take a ride on the Crazy Train.

2 Seconds Left and the Farking Senators Tie the Game

Okay, so Thursday is old guy hockey night, and the fulminatin' one was off to the rink. We won, and a few of us went to Boston Pizza to celebrate. They had the Ottawa - Nashville game on the tube. Okay, I can watch this. Maybe Ottawa will lose, and god will smile.

I look up, and Ottawa scored to make it 3 - 1. Okay, two goal lead, Dirty Dan and the losers from the capital are down.

I look up again, and they're changing stations. Bastards, there's very little I enjoy more than seeing a player I loathe on the losing end of a game.

I look up again, and the game's back, and it's 4 - 3 Nashville. Durn, but the clock is running down, Ottawa still looks good for a loss.

Oh, shit, they've tied it. That sucks. But wait, Nashville scores with under a minute to go. Just play the last minute safe.

No, you stupid fucking goalie, don't pass the puck to fucking Alfredson. I can't stand the dirty, smarmy, selfish little prick, but he is a good hockey player, and can pass the puck if the notion enters his pointy little head. Aaaarrrggghhh, 2 seconds left and Ottawa ties it.

Okay, okay, so Nashville scored in overtime to win, Ottawa still got a point out of it. You know, when Ottawa loses, god smiles. When they win, he kills a little kitten. I don't know about overtime losses, but I'm thinking at the least, that baby kitteh was given an unnecessary bath.

I know this post isn't about the Leafs, but I'm going to lable it Maple Leafs suck because, well, they do.

The Maple Leafs Suck, Part of a Continuing Series.

You know, Brian Burke was brought in to fix this fucking team. I'm on record as having said that the defensive upgrades ought to be good enough to get them to the playoffs. Looks like crow might just be on ol' Fulminandrew's April diet.

What the fuck is going on? They got bigger, tougher and meaner. They got a decent quality checking centre and a backup who can stop the puck. What gives? I dunno. Will Kessel's entrance into the lineup next month make a difference? I dunno. They're 10% into the season and they aren't just losing, they're getting smoked, nightly.

Guys, shape up. I put myself on record that you're better than last year, and I still think you are. There, I've doubled down, so, dammit, play like you mean it.

And trade Toskela. You can always use a few more pucks at practice.

Plan the Maple Leafs Stanley Cup Parade Route

It's the dog days of summer, and there really isn't all that much to write about.

I posted some snark about hippies (scroll down). I posted some cheesecake in Stacy's Bikinifest (scroll further). There hasn't been an idiotic comment on the wonders of Canadian health care in a couple of days, and the Tamils have gone quiet. I guess it's back to hockey.

Found via the Toronto Sun (my daily stop for what's happening in Leaf Land, and SunShine girls).

The Leafs have traded for Wayne Primeau. Yay, the final piece in the puzzle, a 3rd line centre who will contribute upwards of 10 goals and 30 points. Plan the parade route.

Okay, okay, snark aside, they've unloaded one of their excess defensemen, Anton Stralman, for Primeau and a 2nd round pick. Primeau is a decent checker, and a big guy. So, regarding my last hockey post, in which I posited that, to make the playoffs, the Leafs need to cut the goals against by at least 50, picking up a big, competant, checking centre is a good move. They're weak down the middle, and weak on the shut down. This move should help.

Eighth place, eighth place, eighth place.

Maybe.

God I hate the Leafs.

Hockey Odds and Ends

Some time ago I wondered if we can now dispense with the Marianne "The Passenger" Hossa myth. It seems the answer would be, sort of. Detroit didn't like him enough to piss 7+ mil away to keep him, in the hope of dragging him to a cup. So, he went to Chicago, where he took a 2 1/4 mil paycut. Sure, that was almost 30%, which means he's still overpaid by about 3 mil.

Yes, I've got a hair up my ass about this guy. Yes, I've had it since he hacked Bryan Berard's eye out of his head, protesting that it was just the follow through. Hey, asshole, you're responsible for your stick. Your stick took out a man's eye. Thus, you took out a man's eye. No, the fawning over him hasn't helped. No, being in the unfortunate position of being a Leafs fan also doesn't help, but I think I laid out my case against him pretty well in my last post on the subject.

At any rate, if you're paying north of 5 million a year for a forward, he'd better be the type of guy you can build a team around. Whatever Hossa may be, he ain't that.

Which brings me to Dany Heatly, another, whiny, overpaid prima donna. Yeah, Dany boy, you have a helluva one timer. So did Brett "The Golden Pissant" Hull. They tried to build the St. Louis offense around him. How'd that work out? It wasn't until he was just a cog in the machine, and not expected to be the driveshaft, that he (most unfortunately) won a cup. Heatly is making too much money for what he brings, and, like Hossa, his act is wearing thin.

Oh, yeah, back to Hossa. Seems the ownership of Chicago is really pleased with his acquisition. How long did it take them to fire Dale Tallon after he signed Hossa? I mean, yes sports is a game of "what have you done for me lately?" but, Tallon took the biggest joke in the league (next to the Leafs) from worst to the conference final in what, 3 seasons? But what did he do lately? Signed Marion "The Anchor" Hossa to a 5 year contract. And got fired. Harsh.

Now, the Leafs.

Shit.

(1) They have a backup goalie to challenge Vesa "The Sieve" Toskela.

(2) They've brought in decent blue liners so that the kid Schenn (a) doesn't have to try to do everything, and (b) learns his craft properly. With 9 on the roster they've even got trade bait.

(3) They brought in a legitimate heavy weight so that, again, Schenn doesn't have to try to do everything.

(4) They haven't pissed the draft picks away on short term fixes.

Judas Priest on a pogo stick. It's almost as if the management has a fucking clue how to run a hockey team. A nice change from John "Doofus" Ferguson "I'm proud of what I've accomplished" Jr.

Now, they finished 12th in the East, meaning to make the playoffs they hafta get ahead of 4 teams. Ahead of them were; Ottawa, Buffalo, Florida and Montreal. The only one close to a gimme is Florida. Ottawas still has a poison in the dressing room, and I don't think Montreal improved this off season. Buffalo? I don't know. How many can they move up? 1 to 3 spots, leaving them on the outside.

Who was there? The top spots aren't changing Boston, Pittsburgh, Washington and New Jersey are Likely going to be the top 4. Philly, Carolina and the Rangers round out the playoff teams. Are two of them going to fall 4 to 6 places? Carolina pretty much stood pat, Philly improved, and New York got chewed up by free agency. Maybe Carolina slips and the Rangers fall, but 4 - 6 places for both? I dunno. If the stars align just so, maybe they sneak into 8th.

Look at it another way, Toronto was 13 points out of 8th. Do the new defensemen, and the fire Burke lit under Toskela's ass equate to 7 more wins? Look at goals for/goals against. Toronto was tied for 5th in goals for, and dead last in goals against. In bolstering the defense, Burke is working the goals against. They cut out 50 goals against, they're in 8th place. That's a goal every other game. Can they do it with a brand new defense? Maybe.

So, do the Leafs have a shot at the playoffs? Yes. A good one? As it stands, not really. Is trading 2 of the superfluous defensemen for a proper shut down line in the cards? Shit I hope so. Goal scoring isn't the problem, it's shutting down the other team. I guess we'll be standing by.

On Hockey

On Marion Hossa:

Okay, yesterday I watched my local news and got the answer to a question I posed in my last post. The question, "Can we now dispense with the myth of the usefulness of Marianne "The Passenger" Hossa? Short answer, no.

Seems the chatter is about whether the Wings can afford to ink him to a long term deal. If not, who's going to pony up 7 - 8 mil per season for however long. Hmm, let's recap.

Ottawa; scored a bunch of regular season goals, carved Bryan Berard's eye out of his face, disappeared in the playoffs. "The Scalpel" gets traded to Atlanta.

Atlanta; scored a bunch of regular season goals, disappeared in their one (IIRC) playoff appearance. Quick get him to Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh: made no impression on me whatsoever. But, to be fair, that may simply be because he was on a team with Crosby, Malkin and Staal. A lightweight like Hossa is simply going to vanish against that sort of competition. Anyway, did he do anything in that playoff year? Other than lose the final and jump ship to Detroit, where the talent is so deep they could afford to drag "Deadweight" Hossa to the cup.

Last season, signed in Detroit as a free agent. Undistinguished regular season, although, again, to be fair, there is so much real talent on that team that he might have had a decent showing and just faded into the shadows. Much like he did in the playoffs. Scored in one game of each of the first three series.

Look, you just can't give a guy 10 - 15% of your salary cap if he's going to disappear when it counts. Unless it is your intent just to get to the playoffs, not caring if you win anything, for the extra revenue.

On Mike Babcock:

Okay, Babcock has been named to be Canada's coach at the Olympics. Cool, you've got a proven winner with a ton of experience behind the bench. I just got one, tiny little dissent to voice...wouldn't it have been better to have a proven winner with a ton of experience coaching Canadian players behind the bench. I mean, he'd be a fine choice for Team Sweden, but Canada?

Oh well, we'll see, and I'll be making a post about the results, eating crow if we win, and snarking some more if we lose.

We? What the hell am I saying, "we." I was never good enough to get out of house league. If Canada wins, it ain't because of anything I did. So, to rephrase, oh well, we'll see, and I'll be making a post about the results, eating crow if Canada wins, and snarking some more if Canada loses.

Eff You Dirtroit Red Wings

The title pretty much sums it up.

Update:

Couple of thoughts on the final:

Can we now dispense with the myth of Marianne "Hacker" Hossa? That would be the myth that he's worth having on your team, especially come playoff time. He scored what, 4 goals this playoff? Scoring about one game per series, as I recall. Hmm, did nothing in Ottawa (postseason), got traded to Atlanta, did nothing there (postseason), got traded to Pittsburgh, lost the cup, left for Dirtroit for his guaranteed cup, and was a passenger on the cup-missing playoff express.

Yes, Lidstrom is a great defenceman. One of the all time greats of the game. No he is no Bobby Orr. I don't care if he manages to get that next Norris before he retires, tying him up with Orr at 9. Hell, I don't care if he gets 2 more to pass Orr. If it takes you twice as long to get the same number of awards, then you are not as good.

Why, oh why did Jim Hughson start channeling Bob Cole and begin calling the line changes and time left on the clock? The first is not terribly interesting and the second is displayed on a banner at the top of the screen. I've gotta brush up on my French and start watching the Radio Canada broadcasts again. As I recall, the French play by play guys are much better at their trade.

Woo Hoo - No Bob Cole

Being (1) cheap, (2) not really liking much to be found on TV and (3) generally having better things to do, I don't have cable. So I either stream the playoffs in a crappy little pop up window, or if I happen to be at my in-laws, I catch the game there.

Since I don't like the quality of late round games, I don't put much effort into seeing them, so it was only with game 4 that I got the pleasant surprise of no Bob Cole in the final.

At long last, the CBC has someone competent to call the games.

Now if only the Penguins would be good enough to win game 5...

Hockey Stuff

Passing thoughts on the state of hockey today.

I previously posted on the "Let the players decide the game" whine of the losing team's fans. Today in the Sun, Bruce Garrioch made a comment to the effect that the result of the game was aided by the referees doing something a little different this time; their jobs, i.e. calling penalties. Why is it that we never hear the "Let the players decide the game" whine when the refs really are deciding the game by allowing an horrendously dirty team like the Wings get away with all but murder?

And why is it that the League noisily punishes coaches who criticize the referees, but never the referees for fucking up? Does the League think it to be good customer relations to punish the critic, but not the fuckup? Think the Maple Leaf whiners would still be snivelling about Frazier's non-call on Gretzky if the League had visibly sanctioned him for single handedly turning a series?

Who am I kidding. The League could have fired Frazier, tarred and feathered him, run him out of town on a rail, keelhauled him, and, worst of all, taken away his hair gel, and the Maplepucks would still be crying about it 16 years later.

I'm hardly the first to note this, but what the fuck is up with playoffs stretching well into June, and, if the League had had it's way (the original schedule was to start on the 6th), possibly well past the halfway point? I don't know about y'all, but I haven't watched a game since the second round. One; it's not exactly hockey weather out there, two; I've always found the quality of play drops off precipitously in the third round, and three; it's hard enough to stomach reading about the Dirty Wings victories in the paper. Actually watching them is too much for my blood pressure.

A couple of weeks ago, the 3% owner of the Coyotes started putting together a purchase bid, with the intent to move the team to Las Vegas. I think that one died, but, I've been reading for years that Gary Buttman wants the next two NHL cities to be Vegas and Kansas City. Balsillie offers to buy the Coyotes and move them to Hamilton. Buttman doesn't want a team in Hamilton, Buttman hates Balsillie with a burning passion, and out of absolutely nowhere, someone makes noises about scooping Balsillie and moving the team to the very place where Buttman wants it. Coincidence I'm sure.

I went to McMaster. Hamilton sucks. Seriously. Big, wet, dangly donkey balls. Having said that, it'd still be a much better place for hockey than Phoenix. You want to talk about not-hockey-weather? One March I saw the Coyotes play the Devils; it was 100 degrees. Seriously. Not. Hockey. Weather. And, after losing 300 million, I think we can say the Jets took a serious step down in terms of hockey locations.

Playoffs are almost done, so the dog days approach. I wonder who the Toronto media will have moving to the Leafs before all is said and done. And I wonder how many of the players reported to be on the move there will actually be moving there.

"Let the Players Decide the Game"

Well, it's May, the playoffs continue, and having a go at Bobo the Clown Cole felt so good, I'm going to return to hockey. This time to those cranial nullities, whose preferred team drew a bucketload of penalties, who whinge on about letting the players decide the game. Jeebus but that pisses me off. Take, for instance, last night's Pens/Caps game, in which, I read, the Caps took 6 penalties in a row. Sure as sunrise in the east, some fan made the traditional whine on the CBC site. Let's look at it.

Games have rules. Games have arbiters of the rules. In hockey, on the ice, these arbiters are called linesmen and referees. Since the Linesmen's job is a lot more, umm, black and white, than the referees, and since their mistakes do not generally turn games and series, they take a lot less flak than the refs. Let's let them be.

Included in the referee's job is the task of monitoring play to ensure that play is generally kept within the bounds of the rules. If a player steps outside the bounds, the referee assesses a penalty of varying degrees of severity. Now, for the slow students in the back, we're going to go over that again, it's important.

The referee monitors play to ensure that play is generally kept within the bounds of the rules. He cannot do so perfectly, for there are 12 players on the ice. These 12 players are generally quite large, and in motion, many of them quite fast motion.

In addition, the ref generally concentrates on what is happening with the puck. The puck carrier is the most frequently fowled player, and one of the ref's duties is to determine if a goal has been scored and, if so, if it was legal. Thus, the referee will miss things, and he has a partner. Even with two, they are men, and fallible, and cannot see everything that occurs.

Much of that is an aside. The basic thing to concentrate on here, and I can't stress enough how important it is, is this; the referee monitors play to ensure that play is generally kept within the bounds of the rules.

If the ref determines a player has stepped outside the bounds of the rules, he assesses a penalty.

Did you get the order there? Player breaks rules, ref gives penalty. Again, for the slow students, (1) PLAYER BREAKS RULES, (2) REF GIVES PENALTY. The first is a pre-condition of the second. Or are you saying the refs were just making shit up?

How, exactly, is it, if the ref is doing his job by assessing a penalty, that he, rather than the players, is determining the outcome of the game? If the player didn't break the fucking rules, he wouldn't be going to the sin bin. So, Washington, in taking 6 penalties in a row, determined the outcome by...wait for it...taking 6 penalties in a row.

If you think the calls were chintzy, well, were the same calls being made against both teams? If not, complain to the league, you're right, the ref tilted the ice. But...I've listened to a lot of post game bitch sessions in which both sides thought the refs were calling bullshit on their team, while the other side got away with murder. Hell, I see this in me.

When watching a game I personally do not see how anything that does not put a Detroit Red Wing in the hospital can be considered a penalty. Yet, for some unfathomable reason, there are those out there who consider the Ducks to be the dirtier team. It's possible, while watching those dirty fucks in red and white, my personal blinding, searing, red hot hatred for the Wings is overcoming my general dislike of the Ducks, colouring my perceptions and overpowering my sense of justice and fair play. But I digress.

If the calls were chintzy and made against both teams, then your beef isn't with the refs, it's with the league. Specifically with the Board of Governors (i.e. the owners) who set the standards for rules enforcement, and Colin Campbell, the league's chief disciplinarian, who oversees the enforcement.

Bob Cole REALLY should retire

Last night I watched part of the Pittsburgh/Washington hockey game. Good game; fast, exciting, hard hitting, everything a hockey game ought to be. Even the refereeing was decent. The game even had the added bonus of my utter lack of emotional attachment to either team. Since I really didn't have a dog in the hunt, I didn't much care about the outcome, and could just sit back and enjoy the game. Except for Bob friggin' Cole.

Now, before I go on a tear, I will say this in his defense. He's not the worst hockey play by play guy I've ever heard. That particular honour goes to Paul Romanuk, a play by play guy so incredibly awful that a bar slut I knew, once upon a time, who knew absolutely nothing about hockey, upon listening to him for about 3 minutes, commented on what an idiot he was.

So, having established my belief that Cole is not the absolute worst there ever was, allow me to proceed.

Set aside from the nerve grating nasal whine he uses for a voice, and set aside the encroaching senility, which led him to state, 10 years ago, that Bobby Hull scored the cup winner (Bobby Hull left the NHL in 1972, it was his son Brett who didn't score the non-goal that decided the 1999 cup).

Instead, consider the job of play by play man. It is, as I understand it, to describe the action on the ice. At his side is the colour commentator, whose job, as I understand it, is to fill in air time with asides, tangential to the action, but for the entertainment of the audience. To, you know, colour the experience.

The play by play man's job is not:

To tell us that Washington is looking to go up 2 games to 0, or to tell us Pittsburgh is looking for a split. Bob, I think we can take it as a given that both teams want to win the frigging game. They are highly proud, highly paid professionals, and it is, after all, the playoffs, numbnuts.

To tell us that there are 4 minutes remaining. And that the score is 4 to 2. Now, Bobo, I know you've been calling games for the CBC since the late Jurassic. In that time, I'm pretty sure someone has made you aware of the fact that the CBC puts a banner across the top of the screen giving the team names, the score, the time remaining, and, if there is one, remaining penalty time. Come to think of it, that banner, whether above or below the action, is pretty standard for all sports. Since that is written right there in bold, STOP FRIGGING TELLING US.

To tell us that the players are changing. Look, dummy, a shift change is only germaine to the action if it affects the play. Telling us that a player 150' from the action is getting off the ice is not a detail we need to know.

To tell us what you think is about to happen. Every time, for example, you tell us that so and so is going to clear the puck, when he fails to do so and you need to correct yourself, it makes you sound like a bloody fool, so stop doing it.

To torture the language. For example, Bob, clearing is an act of removal. You can clear away, clear out, clear off, etc. And you could even apply any of these to certain hockey situations. You cannot, however, clear in. Semantically it doesn't work, and in hockey terms, it is incoherent. So and so cleared the puck in? Seriously? You think that statement has logical content? Arrgh.

Thank heaven the CBC has Jim Hughson to do the games I actually care about. I don't know about y'all, but I sure would be interested to know what ol' Bobo the senile play by play man has on the powers that be at the CBC.